If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers: Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F-ing thing
in the first place.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens
by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange vplace the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to what you want to look at.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in
the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs,
start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes
an ideal coathanger in an emergency.
Hijackers: avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to your intended destination in the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes: disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas: develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying
one of those Kylie Minogue videos.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc. "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't know any
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd
no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that
it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons
first, then reading the rest in a random order.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights
and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.
Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it!
Fiat Uno drivers: attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so
it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
going back to sleep