July 8th, 2007


Not the Sunscreen Song

If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life, try to remember, some of the most interesting people didn't know what they were going todo at age twenty-two or even at forty, and nearly all of them are unemployed drug addicts forced to live on cat food.

Also understand that friends will come and go. This is because of your irritating personality. Nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting you thought the day is the misconception that people like you, end it now.

Learn how to smoke Winnie Blues, if you're under age, get an older kid to buy them foryou.

Get to really know your parents, they're good for money. Milk them, then put them in an old people's home.

Travel as often as you can, live in New York City once, live in Northern California once. But never live in Adelaide. It's a hole.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, if you do have children, lock them under the stairs.

Do one thing each day that scares you, sing, dance, jump in front of a car.

Do not trust anyone who tries to update Shakespeare for the kids, and if you see Quinton Tarver in the street, punch him in the face for me.

If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember, you're probably fatter than you think, maybe you should consider an eating disorder.

Don't worry too much about the future.

If you're nervous about an exam, ring up your school to schedule time and make a bomb threat.

If you're a girl, lie about period pains to get out of anything you don't want to do.

Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with richer parents is getting private tuition.

Shop-lift as often as you can, shopping centres factor shop-lifting into their prices, so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for free.

When you're on work experience, steal a cab-charge, and take a taxi to Perth.

Wear sunscreen, but only if it's that coconut oil that gives you cancer.

Keep your old love letters, if you see an old lover in the street, try to run them over inyour car.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or else by the time you're thirty-five, you'll look like Greg Matthews.

Remember you can wear your underwear four times without washing them, forwards, backwards,inside-out forwards, inside-out backwards.

Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres, it's a free country, It's public space.

Skateboard on War Memorials.

Smoke in your school uniform.

Set off car alarms.

Plant drugs on a teacher.

Join a cult.

Spike drinks.

Don't flush public toilets.

Remember, only you will truly take care of you, so carry a concealed weapon.

Don't wear your 'P' plates.

Walk around with your eye lids rolled back.

Touch your tongue on the tip of batteries.

Be open to new love. Remember, you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.

Expect others to support you, it's easy to get the dole and still do cash in hand work.

Respect your elders, when your grandma dies, have her stuffed.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when you are knee-capped by a loan shark.

Get revenge, don't forgive anyone for anything,

But most of all, don't aim too high, you're probably only suited to an office or factoryjob.

And trust me on the Winnie Blues

John Safran,1998