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Stories by a short, fat bastard

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Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the Bush!!

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

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Saw a similar version for American rednecks.

ACTIVE DESKTOP: Caused from leavin food on yer puter desk.
BACKUP: What ya do when ya done run'd over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BIT: A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that there watermelon seed across the porch over yonder longways."
BOARD: What ya git when ya aint bizzy.
BROWSER: What ya do when a purty gal walks by ya in the general store.
BUG: The reason ya gave fer callin in sick.
BYTE: What yer pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
BYTE: Also the first word in a kiss-off phrase.
CACHE: Needed when ya run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that ya try not to step in.
CHIPSET: Two piles of dung, usually cowpatties, sittin side by side.
COLD BOOT: How yer boots are in winter when ya first put em on.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CPU: When ya look down and see a cow pattie.
CRASH: When ya go to Bubba's party uninvited.
CURSOR: What some guys do when they're mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on yer fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
DOS: Redneck shorthand for: "Dont' own Squat"
DOT MATRIX: One of them kinky people in them X rated movies yer wife hid from ya.
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when ya pull the trigger.
ENTER: Northern for "Y'all C'mon in!"
FAX: What ya lie about to the IRS, an yer wife.
FLOPPY: When ya run out of Polygrip.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARD BOOT: When ya wake up on the floor with a boot under yer ribs after chug testin grandad's latest batch for smoothness.
HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
HOME PAGE: A map ya keep in yer back pocket just in case ya git lost out in the field.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere.
LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey Jim Bob! LAN me yore truck."
LAP TOP: Where the little kids & the cat feel comfy.
LASER: Someone less ambitious than you.
LINE IN: Whatcha do when you go fishin'
LOG ON: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MAIN FRAME: The part of the roof that holds the house up.
MEGABYTES: A day of good fishin'
MEGAHERTZ: How yer head feels after 17 beers.
MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gits too high.
MOTHERBOARD: What Mama gets when she ain't got a boyfriend.
MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thang ya stuff in yer beer bottle in order ta git a free case.
NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish afore it breaks the line.
NEWSGROUP: When the wives git together an gossip at the Widder Hawkins' place.
OFFLINE: When the clothes pins let go an the laundry falls on the ground.
ONLINE: Where ya stay when takin the sobriety test.
PROMPT: What you wish the mail were.
RAM: What ya drive if ya aint a Ford or Chevy man.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle.
REBOOT: What ya do when the first pair gits covered with barnyard stuff.
ROM: Delicious when ya mix it with coca cola.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SCREEN SAVER: Repair kit fer the torn winder screen. It's also the paint ya put on your screen door when it begins to rust.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine ya drank with yer breakfast.
SPREAD SHEET: What Momma puts on the bed for a new boy friend.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI: What ya call your week-old underwear.
WARM BOOT: What ya wear on yer feet when it gits cold.
WINDOW: Place in the truck to hang yer guns.
WINDOW: Also what ya roll down when Jim Bob cuts a big un in the truck.

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