Den (dewhitton) wrote,
Den
dewhitton

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Dreaded Aunties

Dad has four sisters. They are the most embarrassing people I know, and one of my dreaded Aunties is visiting.

I love all of them. But...

Aunty Jenny is not capable of saying anything without referring to a bodily process and/or function and/or oriface. She says these things loudy. Usually in shopping centres. And always while I'm there. I end up spending all my time shushing her or making sure everyone knows She's Not With Me. Even going for a drive can end with me running off the road in fright. "Look at that mountain!" she'll say, pointing through the windscreen. "It looks like a big, floppy dick resting on the balls!" In the middle of Tasmania is a pair of mountains called The Thumbs. aunty Jen calls them The Nuts, because she can never remember the real name.

Aunty Colleen is a bogan who has velvet pictures of Elvis, fridge magnets that say No Bullshit ond so on, and one of those awful singing fish. She asks me questions like "Have you found a good woman yet Denny? Or would you prefer a bad woman?" to which I reply "Oh fer FUCKS sake, Col!" She laughs at that.

Aunty Lorrain isn't as much of a bogan as Aunty Col, but she enjoys telling me Things I'd Rather Not Know. She keeps telling me things until I hide under a bed.

I love Aunty Sue to death. She's visiting from Franklin and will be staying for a week. This afternoon she interrupted my essy writing to show me some turned huon pine. At first I thought it was a rolling pin, 12" long and about 2"thick. One end is opviously a handle but the other end is curiously rounded. Then she turned it around and I could see it in detail.

It's a big wooden dick.

I'm glad Aunty Sue is the quiet one. I'd die if she wasn't.
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